Friday, February 27, 2015

The Most Annoying Thing About Your Social Network Isn't A Dress At All. It's You.

They way our eyes work and the information that our brains interprets is really interesting and this picture might actually get some people to go learn something about visual perception and neurology, perhaps even impressionism and that's why this viral picture is kind of awesome. It's totally not annoying that people are talking about it.

But do you know what IS the most annoying thing on the internet?

Monday, August 18, 2014

Ice Bucket Challenge: I hope you all drown

The real #icebucketchallenge:
Find water, then try to make ice in Africa
Okay I know this campaign has actually gotten money for Lou Gehrigs disease... But just fucking give money to charity, please stop wasting water by dumping it on your stupid heads. Charity isn't about the photo op or showing how fun you think you are. 

More than 1.2 billion people on Earth lack access to water yet you dump 5 gallons of it over your head, and then you think you're doing something good? No. You're an asshole. 

While you're at it why not try this "Awareness Spreading" campaign: 

-#1 Write Your Name In The Ocean With Crude Oil Challenge. 
Remind the human race how good you are for the planet by writing your name on it, in the ocean, with oil. You'll have to fix this a lot because of the current, but that just makes more time for spreading awareness! Like awareness of limited resources; for example Pumpkin Spice Lattes.  
Tagline: Do something about this! Because I'm not!

Supposedly the challenge is if you DON'T give to an ALS charity, you have to dump ice water on your head. So yeah... um... good job? 

Okay, I get that you want to make a difference *cough* get attention *cough* on the internet for having cold water dumped on you, and you think spreading awareness *cough* passing off responsibility to the next person *cough*  is a really good cause and all, but I guess what you don't understand is that Lou Gehrigs disease doesn't really need much awareness to be spread, BECAUSE IT'S PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WELL-KNOWN DISEASES IN RECENT HISTORY.

How about this one? 
-#2 Pour Penicillin Down Sewer Drains Challenge. Lets spread awareness of Polio. That's still a thing right? Or at least it will be again after this, so we need to spread some awareness.  
Tagline: Think about it! Because we didn't! 

Lou Gehrig played on the fucking NEW YORK YANKEES, when professional baseball was like the only thing any one even knew about or did for entertainment. The first awareness campaign of the disease THAT WAS NAMED AFTER HIM was announced by himself AT FUCKING YANKEES STADIUM ON A PA SYSTEM.  Then there were TWO MOVIES MADE depicting that exact moment, and various other tv shows and media programs have parodied it for almost 80 YEARS.

Awareness Spreading Idea #3: Spread Awareness of Spreading Awareness Challenge.  Shove your iPhone up your ass, take a selfie of your head that is already crammed up there, print hundreds of copies, then place them in care packages, then take a selfie of you mailing those care packages to third world countries. Post THAT picture on your facebook with the hashtag #makingadifference. So that way your friends will see it and either give money to some charity or follow in your footsteps and do their own iPhone-Asshat-Selfie-CarePackage-Awareness Challenge.  
Tagline: I'm spreading awareness that I'm sending a care package of pictures of my head up my own ass to third world countries ...for world peace. 

Lou Gehrig's disease has been one of the most studied diseases in the last century. It is also known to be really rare - like 1 in 100,000 people. Yes I do think you should donate money to science for them to find a cure, but you should know that scientists have recently developed a way for you to donate to science without wasting water by dumping it on your head.  Yeah I know it sounds like magic, but the future is a really strange and surreal place.
BLUE may also represent most ignorance per capita
of all of the struggles of the rest of the world

So yeah, 1.2 billion people are dying of thirst, that's 16.6% of the worlds population DYING OF THIRST while there are around 71,000 people with Lou Gehrigs disease, or LESS THAN 0.01%. And people with Lou Gehrigs disease can live with it anywhere from 5 to 20 years. People die of thirst in 72 hours.  Oh yeah, dump another bucket of water on your fucking head, it numbs the pain of you attempting to think about that.

#4 Free The People Who Have The Ebola Virus Who Are Being Held Captive In Quarantines By Smearing The Intestines Of Ebola-Infected Pigs On Your Face Challenge. Tagline: Free The Ebolans

- #4 Spread Awareness About Water Scarcity And Famine By Dumping Buckets Of Newborn Baby Blood On Your Heads Challenge. Except that blood needs to be fresh, so you're gonna have to kill A BUNCH of babies. Your typical newborn baby only has about 83 milliliters of blood or 0.021 gallons, so to get that 5 gallon bucket filled you're going to have to kill about 239 babies.  But you should probably add 50 more to cover spillage. 
Tagline: Blood is thicker than water

Friday, June 27, 2014

An Open Letter To Ann Coulter about her Soccer rant.

Dear Ann Coulter,

Hopefully you've calmed down a little bit since your heated article about... soccer... and I hope that with this following letter you can relax a little and use some rational thought. Just some... not much. Don't worry, it's not going to kill you. Well, I don't think it will. I'm not really sure how your species reacts to things. Come to think of it, I really don't know much about your species actually, maybe you can enlighten me on some details of your species? Like how you and your kind can never get enough spotlight.

It makes me wonder if spotlight is a necessary resource that your species are required to consume for survival... perhaps? That's a question I'd like you to answer, is attention-grabbing the staple diet on whatever planet of boney freaks that you come from? I'll wait for that answer when you're ready.

Now you're railing against... soccer... of all things. Okay, I'll bite. You seem as mad as you are when you complain about the messiness of food at a restaurant only after you digest it in your 3 boney shriveled stomachs and then regurgitate back up to your throat to feed your young but some of it falls out of your elongated beak on to the tablecloth. You then stun the clientele when you shoot up out of your seat and scream, "REALLY? THERE'S CUD ON THIS TABLECLOTH? THIS RESTAURANT IS RUN BY JEWS! JEWS I TELL YOU! JEEEEWWWWSSSS!" but before they can accomodate you you flap your wiry wings into the night and go home and write a poor Yelp review. It sounds like you're that kind of Ann Coulter mad. So I'm only writing this to try to get you to calm down a little bit, because it seems like the future of our planet depends on it.

Anyway, let's go through your numbered list on why you hate soccer and I'll try to explain why your species is predisposed to being such emotionally-hysterical wacko-birds with arachnid arms and necks.
1. Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child's fragile self-esteem is bruised.

I acknowledge and understand your concern that no fragile children are being tormented or that their self-esteem isn't being destroyed. I know that's "your thing" but you just have to come to terms with the fact that on this planet life just isn't fair. You just can't get what you want ALL the time. It's just not going to happen. Now I'm sure there is plenty of child torture in your own home, and true happiness is found when you appreciate what you already have, and not worry about what you don't.
2. Liberal moms like soccer because it's a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.

I don't think the FIFA league is co-ed. But even if it was, certainly you could take solace in the fact that YOU could play. Imagine it Ann, you're out on the field, swinging around your dozens sharp joints with your 8 arms and legs on a warm spring day. The breeze flows by and cools the sweat on your thorax, giving you a bit of relief and focus on your plan. Now you're bearing down the goalie on the opposing end of the field. He's visibly terrified because he has what he thinks is the steam-engine spider from Wild Wild West coming right towards him. But no, it's you Ann. You are the soccer monster. It doesn't matter what your sex or gender is, or the fact that you aren't even a human, it's just you and the ball. And then that moment happens, the goalie tries to predict your movement, he leaps for the ball, but is suddenly impaled to the field with a "KACHUNK." Your talon has speared him, and he's no longer a threat. The net is open, but before you take a shot, you swallow the goalie like a ka-bob. The ball rolls in and in a hysteric fit of enthusiasm you attack the crowd with your 25 elbows screeching "GOOOAAAALL!" See? It doesn't matter even if it was co-ed, you're just having fun at this point - and that's what sports are really about.
3. No other "sport" ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer. If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he'd still be alive, although bored.

Oh my such wit in a joke can only come from a highly evolved being of such advanced intellectualism. I am personally not evolved enough obviously because I just think it's unfunny and rude. But anyway, if you join FIFA and triumph in the way that I described above, "boredom" will be the least of soccer's problems.
4. The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. Most sports are sublimated warfare.

I understand that on your planet, sports are far more violent, resulting in extreme public humiliation, major injury or death. Like that time that your planets extreme frisbee team went up against the Klingons, resulting in the extinction of the Klingon race. No, I get that. But I think you're confusing what "sports" is to us humans. For example, you might think that Adolf Hitler was a great sports hero being that he "won" against SO MANY jews. But on this planet we don't see it that way. It's hard to explain I think because of our cultural differences, but let me try some explanations; Like, the Iraq war coverage isn't on ESPN, which is a sports network, but basketball is. Vietnam wasn't an exhibition game, you know? It's just a cultural misunderstanding, the "spectator sports" that you cheer for is more along the lines of multi-planetary genocide, and ours is more like hitting a ball over a fence.

5. You can't use your hands in soccer. What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here's a great idea: Let's create a game where you're not allowed to use them!

So you're angry that in soccer you can't use your hands, I totally have sympathy for you. It must be infuriating because your 1 million jointed hands on the end of your giant 9 foot, 3 elbowed freak arms are arguably your most unique feature next to your E.T. neck and bird face. It's almost like they are discriminating against you personally, the highly evolved interplanetary insect-hellbird-humanoid. But not to worry Ann, because us lesser beasts can't even tell the difference between your arms and legs, they really look the same to us. It's not our fault, it's just a pattern-seeking mechanism in our lower-evolved brains. So, I wouldn't take this rule that seriously if I were you. Also there are more animals than humans that have opposable thumbs, like almost all primates. And the primates that don't, have a tail that can grip things. See, it's all about how different animals evolve differently to do the same things, just like how you can grip the severed heads of 30 people with the tiny spikes on your finger tips. And also, your species is the only one with a soul actually, or multiple souls for that matter, since you suck them out of the death rattle of your defeated sports opponents and keep them in that sac in your belly.
6. I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO's "Girls," light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton. The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is "catching on" is exceeded only by the ones pretending women's basketball is fascinating.

Now Ann, let's be honest. NO ONE pretends that women's basketball is fascinating. But I can imagine to you it is even less so, considering that you could easily dunk a 25 foot hoop without even jumping. Your arms are just 5x longer than a humans, you have to remember that. We evolved differently. On your planet for example, I suppose that having an elbow in your neck or 3 knees per leg was important for survival, but on our planet it wasn't necessary. So the fact that the females on this planet can't simply use their scorpion-like tail to pierce through a team using a 2-3 defense doesn't mean that there is any less sportsmanship or athleticism.

7. It's foreign. In fact, that's the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not "catching on" at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.

Wait Ann, you can't possibly complain about something being foreign to this country, when you are personally a visitor from some far off galaxy.

(8) Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it's European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren't committing mass murder by guillotine.

Despite being subjected to Chinese-style brainwashing in the public schools to use centimeters and Celsius, ask any American for the temperature, and he'll say something like "70 degrees." Ask how far Boston is from New York City, he'll say it's about 200 miles. Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more "rational" than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man's thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That's easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters?

So two complaints about the French and now you're complaining about the metric system? Okay, let me just go through this slowly. Now while I know it annoyed you that the French took brief intervals between guillotine murders, the French also helped establish America, the country you currently have a galactic visa in, during the American Revolutionary War. So let's give the French a pass for inventing an internationally-agreed cohesive system of measurement that was a more precise and systematic update of first-century English units of measurement. Also you can visualize 147.2 centimeters with what is called a "ruler" which determines with surprisingly good accuracy units of measurement, and just so you can visualize 147.2 centimeters on your terms, it measures out to be the equivalent to "almost two belts."
So there, your problems with soccer should now be resolved at least in some way. Try not to stress out too much, because stress can have some unwanted effects while incubating eggs in your nest and you don't want any complications with birthing the beautiful larvae that will one day develop into full fledged winged sports stars that may just bring a salty, oily discharge that is similar to a human tear except black from your eye as you sit proud in the stands in crowds of people that you've recently killed watching your children pillage and plunder and behead their enemies on a soccer field one day.


Aimless Insanity

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Orange Cloak Makes Kids Invisible, Confuses Shooters

Shown: An empty school hallway... or is it? 
Mass shootings in schools are no longer a problem now that entrepreneurs have developed an Invisibility Cloak® that will make potential shooters dumbfounded into believing that the school is empty and they will go home. 
The Invisibility Cloak® is an orange 5/16-inch pad for kids to duck and cover under when someone inevitably exercises their God given right as an American Citizen to bring easily-attained automatic weapons into a grade school and start rapid-firing. The cloak will disguise an active school as a vacant one. The shooter then will be disappointed that there is nothing to kill and move to another public place, like a movie theater or a mall that doesn't provide Invisibility Cloaks®. Invisibility Cloaks® come in bright orange, for maximum invisibility potential. They even come in different sizes for obese children. 
In an extensive test using 5 different school districts, Tea Party gun enthusiasts were handed an arsenal of weapons, injected with methamphetamine and let loose into various schools. In the schools where the Invisibility Cloak was used, no one was injured.

"I was all excited to participate in this test but then I was like 'whaaaaa?' there ain't no kids in here' and then when they told me outside they were all laying under these invisible cloaks I said 'No way!' and they were like 'YEP', wow. What a bummer. Needless to say it was an anti-climatic morning."  said a guy with a gun in the experimental group.

However, in the control groups where children got into brace positions without the cloak, every single child died.

"I hit 100% of my shots!" Said a guy with a gun in the control group, "They were just like, curled up on the floor like sitting ducks. If they were invisible, I doubt I would have been able to execute so many of them with such pristine accuracy. Then I was able to shoot my way through the police because I found all of these bulletproof flak jackets laying around."

Steps are being taken now to add into the second amendment of the Constitution that Invisibility Cloaks are mandatory issued to schools.

"The Constitution is surprisingly pretty easy to change, especially when adapting outdated amendments to address modern social issues, who would have thought?" said a Senator, "Anyway, we're adding the Invisibility Cloaks into the Constitution so consequentially we no longer have to regulate anyone's right to bring guns into a school."
The Invisibility Cloak® is available at all Target stores.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Childrens story book about Ann Coulter will scare the shit out of you

The terrifying cover of
"Gruesome & Heinous Tales of Ann Coulter"
The book is called "Gruesome & Heinous Tales of Ann Coulter: The Evil Half-Wit Hag Troll" and it features grotesque and horrendous stories based on actual quotes from Ms. Coulter herself.  The author who wishes to remain anonymous spares the reader from any ambiguity about the character of Ann Coulter; from page one you will absolutely know what you are dealing with. She is a trolling, evil, half-wit hag who vomits out her vapid and idiotic comments about torture, murder and death to all whom slightly disagrees with her, using any immature comment no matter how stupid, harmful or downright insane, all while believing she's witty. Ann Coulter truly is the most despicable and disgusting person in history, and this fictionalized literary character in this book isn't that nice either.

Along with these tales of horror and deviancy, we also learn the motivation behind some of Ann's political agendas. For example, in the story "203rd trimester" we learn that the only reason Ann Coulter is against abortion is because she likes to eat her babies alive.
"Dead aborted fetus meat tastes delicious but it's just too pureed, maybe it's a texture thing, I don't know. Maybe I just enjoy it more when I'm eating the face off a live child in front of his or her screaming family."

The 35,328 page novel brings 50 incredibly frightening and bone chilling stories. So bone chilling, that even Ann's boney ass with her 5 billion bones might get the bone chills when reading this bone chiller. Luckily she has so many bones. The stories span over history and even different galaxies, as the time-traveling, shape-shifting, freakishly long-armed humanoid space demon afterbirth that is Ann Coulter terrorizes everyone around her with her giant freak arms and her super weird horse face. From her time secretly controlling the holocaust to a time in the future when she grows 6 more 8-foot freak arms and becomes an arachnid, except more shrill and annoying, of course.

This book that is going to be marketed toward children, believe it or not, just cannot be explained in words. I am not well-equipped enough in the literary arts to even attempt to give you a review that could give an adequate description. You'll just have to buy it. In the meantime here are some screenshots of a few pages.

There are three for now, Ill post more later.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Red Dragon's Intentions Made Clear

In case anyone happened to miss Red Dragon's full intentions and feelings in this overly obvious and clumsy scene, here is added voice over for the killer's narrative for extra assistance.  
My cat does not like when I do this voice.


Wednesday, December 4, 2013

What You're Saying About Paul Walker's Death Offends Me.

On November 30th, Paul Walker known as the guy in the Fast & Furious movies, tragically died young and the internet had a bunch of things to say about it. There are people upset about it and then there are others who attack those people for being upset about it, which makes no goddamn sense to me. For some reason people really hate it when others have an interest in something and they want to make sure you know that they hate your interest. Personally, I never watched any of those movies and didn't know who he was let alone his name until it happened.

So why am I offended? I'll Tell you why...

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Everything You Thought You Knew About Everything You Thought You Knew About Everything Is Wrong Articles Is Wrong.

We tend to think that everything you thought you knew about everything is wrong articles shed a new light on everything that you thought you knew and now you're going to get the correct knowledge about everything so that everything you think you know about everything is correct, but they're wrong. Everything you thought you knew about everything you thought you knew about everything is wrong is wrong and don't let the everything you thought you knew about everything is wrong writers make you think that everything you thought you knew about everything is wrong, because it isn't always the case.  Some things that you thought you knew about everything is right and will never change. 
For example, everything you thought you knew about everything may be right - it is in fact, possible - but just because someone doesn't like everything about what you think you know about everything doesn't give them to right to say you're wrong about being right about everything you think you know about everything, that is wrong. Plus the authors usually don't provide any evidence that everything that they think they know about everything that you think you know about everything that you think you know about everything is wrong is right, and there is no way that they can actually honestly think that everything that they think they know about everything to be right about everything that they think they know about everything is right so they can't possibly think they know that everything you think you know about everything is wrong, well I think they can think they know about everything you think you know about everything is wrong but they can't know that everything you think you know about everything is wrong. Right? Right. 

Of course, I guess everything I think I know about everything about everything they think they know about everything about everything about you think you know about everything is wrong could be wrong too. But really everything I think i know about everything you think you know about everything is wrong articles is backed up with everything that I think I know about everything. 

There are different philosophical approaches to finding out whether everything you think you know about everything you think you know about everything is wrong articles is right and in fact will make you question not only everything you think you know about everything you think you know about everything is wrong articles but also everything you think you know about everything and even about thinking about thinking about everything that you think you know about thinking about everything that you think you know. Epistemology is a branch of philosophy concerned with the nature and scope of everything that you think you know about knowledge, it could even be referred to as the theory of everything that you think you know about everything you think you know about. There is much debate however about thinking everything you think you know about everything relates to how much you know about everything you think you know and how everything you think you know relates to the truth about everything you think you know about everything. It breaks down into various ways about everything you think you know about everything, and sometimes is skeptical that everything you think you know about everything is in fact everything you think you know about everything. 
Solipsists believe that everything you think you know about everything you think you know is in fact everything they think they know about everything they think you think you know about everything. If a solipsist read an everything you think you know about everything is wrong article they would think they know that everything they think they know about the everything you think you know about everything is wrong is right but only because they think that everything everyone thinks they know about everything is just a manifestation of everything they think they know about everything of their own knowledge they think they know about everything they think they know. But everything I think I know about solipsists tell me that everything they think they know about everything is wrong just because I am able to think about everything I think I know about. So if they also are able to think about everything they think they know about everything they think they know than we both think that everything we each think we know about everything is separate from everything that the other thinks he or she knows about everything and what he or she thinks he or she knows about everything is a dichotomy and an illogical way of thinking about everything everyone thinks they know about everything. Every individual can think about everything they think they know about everything without having an exterior agent thinking for them about everything, therefore solipsism is a crock of shit. 
So the next time you read an everything you think you know about everything is wrong article think about this everything you thought you know about everything you thought you knew about everything is wrong articles is wrong article and you can question everything that the everything you think you know about everything is wrong articles author thinks he or she knows about everything they think they know about their subject in their everything you think you know about everything is wrong article. 

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Two MIND BLOWINGLY Obvious Uses Of A Stapler

i had pictures for this post and i don't know where they went. So I guess you'll be left to wonder forever.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

5 Ways Miley Cyrus is inadvertently mimicking Aphex Twin

I'm not usually one to pay attention to pop culture, especially MTV or whatever kid they are exploiting that week. But in learning that everyone is calling Miley Cyrus a slut just for doing the normal things that pop icons do, I felt compelled to look into it. Besides noticing that no one seems to be calling out anyone else on stage for being totally disgusting, they all want to blame the girl. Which is wrong, but I understand. She tries to hard to be sexy and it's weird. But in doing so she's accidentally tapped into an art form that I'm positive she didn't know existed.

The following are 5 ways Miley Cyrus is inadvertently mimicking Aphex Twin.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Jesus reacts to DOMA's demise

The Defense of Marriage Act, a federal law banning same-sex marriage was declared unconstitutional on June 26th, 2013. This Supreme Court ruling is a clear and definite violation of the civil rights of Fundamentalist Christian and Right-Wing beliefs that they can set restrictions on the lives of others.  Millions of Christian Americans wept in light of the news this morning, leaving them wondering how many more of their rights to strip away other peoples rights are going to be stripped away.

The AIMLESS INSANITY reporters felt that we should interview a person in the demographic whose life DOMA's impact actually had a major effect upon. So we sat down with Jesus Christ, the son of God.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

"Dear Pat" - Pat Robertson's Love Advice Column

Pat Robertson is a Christian Fundamentalist Republican Politician Millionaire CEO who WANTS TO HELP YOU with your relationship problems.  Advice given weekly! Here are todays insightful answers!

Dear Pat,
My wife and I have been getting into terrible arguments lately and she just won't meet me halfway.  What should I do to get her to compromise with me?
Matt D.

Dear Pat,
Sometimes I feel like my wife undermines my intelligence when we are around her family.  Nothing major enough to cause too much of an issue, but it's slightly humiliating sometimes. 
God Bless,
Tim F.

Dear Pat,
My husband constantly drinks and does drugs, he beats me and our kids to the point of broken bones and bruises, he cheats on me, he's possessive and over-bearing, me and the children are afraid for our lives. I want to leave him but I am chained by the ankle to the house. How can we get away from such a monster?
Help us!
Kelly K. 
Dear Pat,
My wife has Alzheimer's and dementia and doesn't recognize me anymore. It's breaking my heart, can you ask your god to bring her back please? Also, I would like to find a big bag of money and be granted a million more wishes.
Will R.

Dear Pat,
I was raped by my neighbor and I still have to see his face everyday, he laughs at me with his friends, the cops won't do anything and I'm terrified and dehumanized.
Sharon S.
Dear Pat,
My dad committed suicide a few years ago and my mother is extremely lonely. Are there any Christian dating groups she could go to?  All she does is sit alone and wonder why he did what he did.
Bill Y.

Dear Pat,
I am a recent college grad looking to settle down and I'm not sure what God's plan is for me. Should I go on to pursue my Master's or venture out in the dating world?
Dear Pat,
I really don't understand women. I mean... what up with dem hos?
Dan H.

Dear Pat,
I don't have an actual question, I just wanted to tell you how wonderful my relationship is. We both met at our church and were friends for a while. We began going out on dates and got married 3 years later. We are best friends, we both love Gawd and every day we grow together. We've been married for 25 years now and have 3 amazing children. I just want your readers to know that a happy marriage is actually possible!
Alice G. 

Dear Pat,
I am trying to convince my wife to have oral sex, but she is unsure whether or not that is Christian. What say you, Captain Insanity?